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evolve_elf's Journal

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

9:10PM

im letting go
interesting.
i have to let go of security and predictability
in the form of my home.
big sigh.
im laughing, a little.
wow. i am so awed,
when i look at what i beleive about humanity, all our states, historical progressions.
i am so awed and stuck, i suppose about where to go.
from here,
you know
theres this message,
by people that i have never met,
i dont beleive,
acheive,
know whhat kykour doing
are you saying relatives your feeling worry and some concern,
thinking i may not be able to take care of myself,
may not know how to connect with self reliance, or valuing myself.
mmhmm.
you really want me to be taken care of in this world.
you really care about my wellbeing and sense of balance.
mmhmm.
yum.
i see that.
your seeing my mum,
thinking
where is her financial independance?
its all made up.
i take the tools i knowof,
plant identification, tradkitional food preparation, interest in wools
and im taking care of myself just fine.
im fed, my need for emotional intimacy isnt met but im human,
people have this need all around me.
i can tune in and engage,
reach out,
speak some words.
im learning to forget right,
and wrong,
to conciousness
im learning about building

and there is so muh more opportunity to learn this skill tomorrow, or next month
i could go and clarify with this person their willingness to take on my juggling mind.
i can be sweet, ive got a big mind,
with wavering wavers.
exciting, connecting and being with those who would allow and facilitate my learning.
thats all i want from somebody really.
say the words to me,
i will facilitate and guide your learning.
ill say this to myself.
thanks everybody for your concern,
in this moment im open to knowing more about financial independance
tell me about it,
ghosts.
universe.
i am open.
right now,
i see toothbrush, toothpaste,
compassion in stretching a priority.
ive enjoyed this outlet.
i realize im not my profession and i can do more.
grow into and past,
without restraining,
punishing blaming or guilting.
i move by inspiration world!
i need to move with my expansion, not contract.
i need to let go of thoughts,
prediction.
be with these values i have.
value them.
and not compare.
i have a need for unconditional love.
talk to you when its time lj.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

10:14PM - alive

alive now.
breathing.
happy.
celebrating.
living the life i want to.
embracing.
embracing the situations in my life, with unity, rather than duality.
nonviolently.
seeing the beautifull source i came from.
id rather make art.
secluding myself,
on an archaeological dig for the treasures inside,
burning my inner landscape with a blow torch, when magic doesn't pour forth, like vein cut.
closing it up, boxing it before its ever been started.
im on a journey to free the mental slavery in my mind, chains that bind.
freeing myself to be in the present.
im disappointed by the current definition of politics.
its starts with me.
peace begins in me.
mindfulness begins with me.
potential begins with me.
possibility begins with me.
the things i tell others to do begins in my day.
the things i do, dream up, jam about talk about,
begin in me.
begin with nurturing thoughts,
global picture thoughts,
finding the beauty in each situation thoughts,
i am an artist of life.
in each moment i have the power to see.
power, as money is powerful.
the power to perceive what i would want to percieve, down the road,
generations to come.
the feelings that may come.
meeting our human needs at less cost?
possible?
talk to me.
i can strategize how we could meet these needs,
fix these issues,
bond these hearts,
create peace between man and tres, water and plants.
i can strategize.
but i know ittle do nothing.
instead ill dream of empathizing with the president, see his beaty and hummaness,
se my enemy and set my hurting heart free.

9:17PM - fruitpicking

im sad. im angry. an answer as to what to do with these feelings.
learning from what ones doing.
youd think if i were beautifull i would be told, messages running thru bouncing hair.
sun.
fading.
perfect cycle.
natural
natural cycle.
mourn.
love.
in the moment.
what?
you.
the world was once beautyfull, enchanted.
diverse organisms working together, plants.
i want the colours to run, the organisms beginning and ending blurring.
iwant mindfullness to dawn on me, like the rising sun,
morning, noon, night.
read me poetry that the world was healed,
a blue calm of purified water washed thru,
sealing gaps,
and loving,
ultimately.
physically.
giuve me physical manifestation of theklusting on my tongue,
of a healed world for children.
read me a story,
where my consciousness heals as it wakes,
allow me strength to listen to my integrity,
the stories ive heard, the sense i know better.
i want to trance dance, drop acid,
forget my frenzied mind, behind,
lost on yesterday,
because its today.
im leaving.
adventuring.
co dependance.
blur.
habit.
give me appropriate release.
allow me to see the eyes of pain, look in, and see the beauty.
in our eyes,
another one of my selves.
you do need to lose it once in a while, let conciousness take a brake.
im not concious of the things i would like to be.
allow me to understand.
allow me to understand.
have compasssion with myself.
allow me to see the timelessness in me.
allowe me to be now.
not worrying about the moments, sensations, situations that havent arrived.
not burning for the past, stumbling in the dry tumble weeds of the mind.
now.
its so much fun in the now.
not seperated by extraneous thinking.
not seperated by perception of seperation.
ive thought i would:
build a cob cabin
get up early
get a better digestion
attract people to me
engage those half in my life, half out
tour sustainable communities
bike south america.
get an apartment in denmark
wwooff in europe
absorb new culture
invent an electric car
learn biodeisel, spanish, happiness
learn the art of difficult to have conversations.
thats what im going to do by the time im 30
be playist.
what do you do?
i play.
in the hay.
empath when asked.
goals.
intent.
intent to reveal myself.
come out from behind the cloak.
reveal my intent.
tell me your listening.
affirm myself back to me.
allow new ideas, concepts, sensations to be breathed in.

Monday, March 10, 2008

2:28AM

Singing will heal the world. my world anyway.
raw voice!
Im listening to some silly rnb right now, funny, funny!
this type of lovey- superficial buble gum music reminds me of an earlier event tonite. theres a late night coffee shop i went to after work. theres a cute english boy who works there. hes got this look, rugged and handsome.. ooh baby.
omg its sofunny!
i was listening to this video on youtube, this rnb dude named rayj or some shit.
he wears sunglasses that lok like ray-bans, with this super sqeaky voice, calling his girl on her cellphone. its so funny to me!
i am removed from that world entirely.
i havent owned a cell since i discovered they screw with the blood brain barrier.
Im trying to unwind right now.
singing in the woods with the creek earlier felt so good.
i came home, and my room mate wanted to talk about the downfall of the world.
she talked about it alright.
boy.
i felt like i downloaded her program of fear and pain.
helpless feeling, and doubt in relation to current events, and future, not happened yet events.
im annoyed because this approach is not where i want to be coming from, i give so much permission for her to have her reality, and not much permission for me to have my own, afriad of conflict.
because somehow im responsible to keep us geting along, afraid of the rift. afraid of her talking about me to others.
silly!
silly!
i want to be honest, i want to speak my mind, even if its a hard to hear message.
ugh im tired.
i really want to have a bath right now, but im afraid of her thoughts about "us"
bah
silly.
we are seperate people.
seperate.
i hjave my feelings, she hjas hers.
and there is an energy feeling between us, which im sure she senses.
shes just so comfortable, with being uncomfortable with herself.
she doesnt think anything of anyone else being uncomfortable.
i want a more considerate, wanting to learn about me roommate.
maybe i need to be more considerate of me, and want to learn about me.
maybe i need to be more considerate of her, and get to know her.
learn about her. be open to new info about her.
thats painful, but maybe its what i need to do.
humans are so humorous.
i guess im frustrated, shes not working, shes complaining about how little $ she has.
shes instead, spending her time absorbing info.
i guess im embarassed, because i want to shoot the messenger.
im mad at her for what shes talking about.
im mad at her for what shes communicating to me.
talking to me about her trauma, stimulating /triggering emotions in me.first.
im mad at myself for repressing myself to this point.
she comes home and talks to me, while im having nurturing time in the bath.
shes not perfect, neither am i.
im mad because i have been meaning to act in a new way, to be honest, but i havent.
ive let it ride.
and i cant let it ride anymore and im pissed off.
that im going to have to stir up some controversy,to ask someone to be respectful of me.
asking someone to be respectful.
nvc feelings and needs journal ;later!
love, me.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

5:50PM

I want to hang out all day and read Noam Chomsky,learn How to make and manufacture biodeisel, then i want to go out into the world and make real and tender friendships and visit communities and countries and individuals who are doing what i want to be doing.
I want to be wise and strong.
i want to see something different

Saturday, July 28, 2007

1:26PM

Hi.
Im frazzled, but im thinking about a lot of different things at one time so i wanted to share them.
im mad at myself, because although,i got up early this morning which is unusual, ive helped evaporate my day.sorting papers in my room, thinking, wondering what i should be doing, internetting.
I saw a site my mom sent me (gently nudging as she does for me to get off my butt) for an apprenticeship/mentorship running all school year, helping homeschoolers once a week,learning survival skills, mentorship skills, naturalist skills. sounds cool, but im not planning on going into education as a career, which i think this experience on my resume, would look as if i was planning to.
questions i could ask for are, well what am i planning to go into? what career field?
what skills do i need?
I am raring to go on the issue of education, alternative education, but not as a teacher. i feel there are too many mistakes to be made. i think it requires a fragile, tender unassuming kind of attention which i dont have the patience for. to soothe every confused qualm, to help students with their lives and selves, self esteem, i think their is all kinds of foundation laying that needs to be done in order for the mind to be ready for piles of useful and not so useful knowledge depending on the individual.
this is probably an analogy for myself.
i needed that.
i needed help to make friends, to feel safe and secure at my new school, to feel grounded and validated as an artist, to deal with people, and get over fear.
i was more creative, comfortable and even confident in my talents back then.
But anyways! Students need to feel safe enough to put two and two together, to make new connections in their mind.
Right now, considering my career path in front of me, i dont feel i have a safe foundation for learning and building my lifes legacy. financially, i feel skimped. with summer comes this burst of wanting to relax, enjoy the fruits of what life has to offer.i dont have enough to really provide that cushion for myself.theres this electronic music festival that happens every summer, ive been 4 or five times. im considering going, its going to be $200 plus when payment for intoxicants, condoms, lube, costume designs (albeit with only two weeks to go, i dont know how far id get on costumes) a ticket and extras are taken into account.
because, let me be truthful,i would be going for fucking, meeting people, experiencing psychedelics for the first time in years with a couple friends, enjoying summer and i suppose dancing.
dancing is not really my thing anymore. not my haven. i dont feel healed when i dance.
My crazy brain thinks i should take dance lessons beforehand, so as to feel more comfortable, lubricated in the art of dancing before i go. so im utilizing the experience the highest degree possible.
i suppose i could have the attitude of being comfortable in my own skin, observe how others are dancing, take cues on how they treat their body.
What i dont want to go, and pay attention to is the locals with their snottiness, exhibitionism, ego play. there, i said it. i dont want to go for that.
i dont want to go and be compared with all the people i grew up with, subscribe to social rules, i feel pressing in on me in a certain crowd.
i feel a lack of a certain respect, consideration, wisdom. i have a need for quiet patience, support from those i interact with.
this is how i view many people in my town.i want to be considered an equal, as well with my own individual beauty.
i dont want to be cast aside, by me or anyone else.When im talking to someone i admire, am in wonderment about or want to feel support from, compares me, or i feel comparison, blame,or flippancy i feel hurt, unbeautiful, shabby, less than equal.
which is not true.
i have a need for equality, support, collaboration, acceptance, inclusion.
i request of this certain group of people im talking about, to accept me. accept that i am a work in progress, and i too have ideas and plans just as your son or daughter or friends daughter have plans for their future, as they prepare to head off for university, get a high paying job, or buy a diesel truck and go treeplanting as is my dream.
i too want to make the most of each day, and embrace my surroundings, and the good bits of my surrounding culture.
whew, that was a long one.
but i feel more complete on this issue than i did before.
identifying myself, by what people think about me (in all actual fact, i dont know peoples thoughts, they could be congratulating me inside)
i dont blindly accept things, thats a part of me. i do blindly reject things though.
at any rate, im thinking to get my "serving it right" and possibly "superhost" which will cost over $100 to purchase so i can become a waitress, so i dont have to feel embarrassed every time i mention what i do.
as well, i love the idea of having more skills.
wow i am acutely aware of how the words " i cant" disables any progress, even thought for a second it scrambles the brain.
i should have gone treeplanting this summer, but i didnt.
i did save money though.
i think i could probably buy a cheap car now, not that i want one.
at least not an environmentally insensitive one.
i was looking up mud building houses earlier, there are courses for a couple hundred dollars, i think an even better idea would be volunteering to help someone build a house. the trick would be finding someone who was doing that.

there are many ways to learn skills, not just the traditional way.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

2:51PM - Ah! I cant beleive i posted that twice!

Doh.

1:53PM

if i could, i would spend all my time perfecting my lifestyle.
perfecting my wheatgrass (the weather is really hot here, and so its starting to grow yellow,doesnt yeild as much juice)
ive been considering a raw food lifestyle, a homemade clothes lifestyle, a curling up with girls lifestyle, being a more robot like lifestyle.
I need to buy thread today, cheap thread for mucking around on the sewing machine me and my roommate bought together.
he insists i buy cheap thread, and not use the expensive thread he bought (very strong thread. it annoys me that im observing him saving his thread.
For What?
not only is he not going to use it, hes not going to sew high end projects that require strong thread.(notice how i just predicted his actions, im puzzled with myself)
normally i would give people the benefit of the doubt, and know that ultimately i cant know this person inside and out.
and i would say, its not about him, its about me.
but im just pissy.
ive had enough.
i cant get home from work to a living room that looks worse than a pig sty.
be annoyed with a roommate that distracts from aggravating issues at hand with intellectual twisting storylines, irrelevant. hurting almost with their irrelevance, like a slug in the chest. giving me the knowledge that he'll never change.
the house will stay a litter of wires, with him denying it.
a nice little present i dont want to accept.
i find him to be hypocritical, anxiety producing, and judgemental of me.
i feel like he wants to step on every idea i have for our household.
i moved in with him,expecting a mutual desire for growing a health inducing affection nest.
yes, nest.
i do want to be affectionate with him, even though im not with him.

why do i want that?
hes the most prickly person i know, and i think he would refuse my affection more than less.
i think he senses this is my way of patching up the fact that we have a shitty relationship, gliding over it with fake niceties so to speak.i would rather that than now, thats for sure.
i think it would progress us further, if we were both willing to be polite, talk about sticky issues with integrity.hes hot to trot to perform for the other person and please them when hes motivated. i think thats where my hope comes from.
why isnt he trying to please me? trying to make it work with me?
why isnt he summoning hope, courage?
he makes it out like the right person in his life will summon his accountability.
okay so wow.
all cleared up!
im moving out september first, or sooner if he can find a roomamate.
or if i can find a roommate for him. he asked me to help him find a roommate.
phh...
i found a couple housing leads.
ideally, i want a bach suite with a bit of a yard.
cheap.
so i can save money.
ive saved about $1000 in the last month or so.
I possibly want to go to iceland with a working visa.
i also want to buy a car.
i now want to go down to the local raw deli, and buy a treat. or some coconut milk. maybe ill just move in with myself and forget about backyard, hammock swinging, wine slinging parties. maybe ill have one of those in lake side park. i want to go on a picnic and laugh with a friend!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

2:15AM - Today

if i could, i would spend all my time perfecting my lifestyle.
perfecting my wheatgrass (the weather is really hot here, and so its starting to grow yellow,doesnt yeild as much juice)
ive been considering a raw food lifestyle, a homemade clothes lifestyle, a curling up with girls lifestyle, being a more robot like lifestyle.
I need to buy thread today, cheap thread for mucking around on the sewing machine me and my roommate bought together.
he insists i buy cheap thread, and not use the expensive thread he bought (very strong thread. it annoys me that im observing him saving his thread.
For What?
not only is he not going to use it, hes not going to sew high end projects that require strong thread.(notice how i just predicted his actions, im puzzled with myself)
normally i would give people the benefit of the doubt, and know that ultimately i cant know this person inside and out.
and i would say, its not about him, its about me.
but im just pissy.
ive had enough.
i cant get home from work to a living room that looks worse than a pig sty.
be annoyed with a roommate that distracts from aggravating issues at hand with intellectual twisting storylines, irrelevant. hurting almost with their irrelevance, like a slug in the chest. giving me the knowledge that he'll never change.
the house will stay a litter of wires, with him denying it.
a nice little present i dont want to accept.
i find him to be hypocritical, anxiety producing, and judgemental of me.
i feel like ihe wants to step on every idea i have for our household.
i moved in with him,expecting a mutual desire for growing a health inducing affection nest.
yes, nest.
i do want to be affectionate with him, even though im not with him.

why do i want that?
hes the most prickly person i know, and i think he would refuse my affection more than less.
i think he senses this is my way of patching up the fact that we have a shitty relationship, gliding over it with fake niceties so to speak.i would rather that than now, thats for sure.
i think it would progress us further, if we were both willing to be polite, talk about sticky issues with integrity.hes hot to trot to perform for the other person and please them when hes motivated. i think thats where my hope comes from.
why isnt he trying to please me? trying to make it work with me?
why isnt he summoning hope, courage?
he makes it out like the right person in his life will summon his accountability.
okay so wow.
all cleared up!
im moving out september first, or sooner if he can find a roommate. a woman has shown interest in being his roommate, she wants to move in aug. first, or aug. 31st. im not sure. the only hitch would be me finding a place. but a place may come up. a bachelor lives farther way than i would like, but it sounds uindistracting and quiet.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

6:34AM

So yeah. Dude.
Ive been thinkin to become/be a treeplanter.
Why? Because it makes a lot of money in a day. Its not only a requirement for planters in the biz to be money hungry (makes em work hard) its a requirement to be physically strong and to learn or already have, manual dexterity.
Shit!
Im a lazy procrastinating dreamer who doesnt have two dollars to rub together.
i found a program online, through a local college's website. Its called "Fit to plant" and it runs 8 weeks. as far as ive seen, its free. a sort of diy home study program to help out local planters.(i just checked it out. its a diy fitness/eating/protection from injury program and its free.)
The trouble is, its the beginning of may and most treeplanting places, as far as i know, began hiring in april, or are hiring very soon. I dont have 8 weeks to train myself in this line of work. i need a lot of overhauling physically and mentally, in order to be ready. maybe i should go for an easier job. I just watched a training video. It looks like very hard work, and then again it doesnt. It seems to consist of bending (to plant the tree in the ground) and pushing a short shovel in the ground. i dont know how its any different from gardening?
why isnt there gardening training guides. i guess because with tree planting you are paid by peice work, so if you wanna get that money, you have to perform these strenous actions super fast. combined with continous time spent under the sun, 50 hour work weeks, sometimes shitty camping conditions and bugs, youve got your work cut out for you. im wondering if i should wait until next year, until im 21 (i feel like thats very old to be finally doing something ive been thinking about for years)
so hmm... i guess my slight depression/ melancholy in this comes from the fact that it would take a lot of work from where i presently sit, to be able to live that lifestyle in a feasible way.
i dont have a physical fitness routine. being physically fit is not a segment of my life i enjoy presently. its not something i rely on for stress releif. its not my comfortable friend. it would take a lot of overhauling for it to become that way. when i did Outward Bound at 16, i was amazed at what physical work did for me. especially combined with a group of genuine young adults. superb. treeplanting im sure, is a a little different. smirk*. i remember at Outward Bound, how negative thoughts/ feelings burned from me, as i climbed the mountains, strengthened my calves, its like ever day i was realigning with something new, something better than i had before. i was focusing, and being real. i seek that again, but not blindly. i seek that again, but i seek to increase my awareness, and solutions to real and painful problems in the moment. i seek to put my actions where my mouth is. to put my actions where my thoughts swarm. im sure it doesnt take treeplanting to find this. im sure i can do it in real life. i guess im jealous. of seemingly unrequittingly strong people. 2 childhood friends of mine went treeplanting last year. made a pretty sum of money, one went to university to study enviromentalism or something fancy cool that id like to do. one went to the city to get an apartment with his sister who had been wooffing, and i think theyre still there. i should ask. maybe when i come into some money ill go out there to the city, ask them how they made theyre life choices and their philosophies on moving through the process dubbed life.
i wish i could, in some place in me, snap my fingers and id be where i want to be.
if i snapped my fingers i'd be primed up and READY for treeplanting. i would make it through the season, i would get a lot of money. i would laugh at how tired i was all those months.
id be strong, and id know it. i would rely on that strength (i tried relying on that sense of discipline i received in Outward Bound, it didnt exactly work. but ya know,i also had the momentum of a team with me in Outward Bound. i dont have that in real life! ive missed it.) with the money i made i would buy a deisel truck, set it up for bio fuel, spend a couple months in either parents place setting up shop learning how to produce bio diesel, or i'd buy it from other people (trouble is, its not available in most places. but, before basing life decisions on that i should research, and check out if thats for sure) and/or i would buy books on the subject. see thats the trouble. i dont even have the money to properly educate myself. i dont currently have the money to buy books.
i think what im actually worried about is that its may 1st tonight.
i havent given notice!

Current mood: awake

Monday, April 16, 2007

8:16AM - Rambles of Gambles

:)
Hello Journal that has not been used in a long while.
Im this morning having a plethora of rambling ideas so i sought a place to put them. Here be that place.
Although not my ideal spot, someone hacked into my account at one point.
Ive been researching from around 2 this morning til' now, positive thinking via the wide web, healthy coping strategies, angles of thought. Positive reminders so i may stay steady instead of sink, or go down a scarier, unwanted, bewildering road.
Im seeking to avoid that. At times I feel im'a teetering. dangerously and yet harmlessly, in the scheme of my life and its potential, and mine.
I also researched food. healthy food prep. unusual food prep. + unusual ingredients. mmmm. very titillating.
Things such as raw chocolate you can make in your kitchen, kefir I can grow from a stArter, plus yoghurt too.

Seee?..

Raw Chocolate -

I have had good experiences with coconut oil. I mix up raw cacao, coconut oil and sweetener and sometimes fillers like almond butter, coconut, etc..I find the mix is really goopy but 5-10 minutes in the freezer and they turn into solid blocks that have the delightful advantage of melting in your mouth (thats the coconut oil). Unfortunately if left at room temperature they turn back into goop, but I really enjoy them cold.



I'll often just snack on them straight, but sometimes make raw candy with date paste and raisins or goji berries. Anyone else have raw cacao recipes?

yup. been playing with essential oils and cacao. so good. i make a base of equal parts ground cacao & goji berries, mesquite meal and hemp seeds. add a little coconut oil, spirulina, agave nectar, vanilla, salt, cayenne, cinnamon and my recent fave: 3 drops frankincense and 2 drops rose oil.

My Killer Cacao Rum balls were a HUGE hit this Christmas and New Years eve
cacao nibs ground, organic shredded coconut, 3 Cups crunchy rice cereal, vanilla, cinnamon, ceyanne, stevia, some glycerin syrup and honey, ground pumpkin seeds AND
Much Capt. Morgans Spiced Rum.....Loaded and Lucious for that very occassional treat

i make a drink with:

a base of cat's claw (bark), pau d'arco (bark), schizandra berry, yerba mate tea

then about:
1 tbs cacao
1 tbs cacao powder
1 tbs mesquite pod meal
2 tbs carob
1+ tbs almond butter
.5 tbs coconut oil
2 tbs agave syrup

some:
gogi berries
schizandra berries
blue-green algae
blue manna
vanilla bean seeds
black sesame seeds
poppy seeds
hemp seeds
chia seeds
flax seeds
cinnamon
sea salt (pinch)
whatever other beneficial things you think of

put whatever dry ingredients you want to use in a vita-mix or good blender; grind to powder with out causing too much heat; pour in warm tea (test with finger, if finger can hang with heat so can live ingredients); add other wet ingredients; blend again till mixed and frothy; sit back and enjoy the divine.

peace


Although i dont know what raw cocoa would taste like, smell like, or what its consistency is.
Itd be great barrels of creating bliss to get ahold of some fine quality ingredients and a beautiful kitchen and put together scrumptious things to devour.
i have a small kitchen piled med. high with dish after dish (if only my roommate would be responsible!)
if only lots.
if only the world looked perfect.
if only i snapped my fingers and what i wanted, came to call.
Ive been obsessed with gardening.
not with getting my hands in nutrient rich dirt, but with collecting gardening tidbits.
information such as, test soil PH before planting, buy potting soil, get containers for container gardening,ask landlord if gardening in the back is possible, although i think i can handle it if im growing veges in containers on my patio.Its not the end of my gardening career.
also, a slow release fish emulsifier/fertilizer might be a friend to the veges.
its exciting! growing things. it means and symbolizes settled in to me. home bASE.
COZY. FRIENDLY.
and it means i can feed myself. i wish myself luck. i wish myself gardening mentors, friends, aquaintances, so i may heeed road signs on the road to fresh vege salads. yes.
these last couple days ive been cutting out my habit of gobbling of flour whenever i goddamn well feel like it,and ive felt calmer, saner, less dead. i want to continue. 'specially now its spring. everything yells "green, alive, chlorophyl! over here!"
so many things to get into, try out, learn the mechanics, rythm of.
resist the bagels in the fridge!
dammplotting & ham i want to dance the blues away.
im going to go and have a bath before my day with its places to be, begins to entice, tempt, me.
ps, two or three boys like me other than my ex bf. im hell of a confused.
why exactly? why must we love crush. why must the spiders of attraction creep on numb bodies, sweet well meaning love words fall on deaf ears, and eyes entice us not to trust.

until we meet again.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

12:49PM - A song that moved me to cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzoNInZ2ClQ&mode=related&search=Sarah%20mclachlan

Thursday, July 13, 2006

9:33PM - stream of...

So yeah..
Im gonna just stream off some stuff into the collective internet space..or whatever..
About two days ago ago I hitchhikiked into town, and got a ride into town with a young woman, about 22, in a big "hippie van" after about ten minutes of waiting for a ride! Its very unusual that I wait ten minutes for a ride, especially in the morning time.
I had gotten a ride with her once before, we had had a good conversation, all about academic psychology and what a waste of time it was, in her opinion. She didnt strike me as the academic type at all, she was very colourful, passionate, outside the lines.
During this ride though, we got more in depth, into each others business..
She told me how she didnt like psychology, you never got to touch people whom you were supposed to be healing. You didnt get to get down and dirty with them, into the dirt, the crannies, the dark of their life with them. It is all on the mental feild. You had to sit in your analyzing chair for legal reasons, when sometimes all the other person wants is to be held, and how weird a relationship, one where one person bares their soul, and the other sits in nuetral.. I too find that weird.. I dont know what the word would be..not weird..
That psychologists cant get into their patients lives, and pull them up from where they stand, watch their habits really close. but maybe thats too close..but nothing is too close.
Anyway, this woman told me of how she'd had the shit kicked out of her by her ex bf because he was jealous, she felt isolated in her rural community, no one to turn to..
It turns out I know her ex boyfriend, he'd bought me ice cream, and Ive listened to his stream of talking for five hours. Hes definitely an odd kettle of fish, very touchy, sensitive. He doesnt seem like a "man" at all.
Hes been very friendly to me, and offered to help me out whenever I need help, I beleive him, he has sincerity floating off him. But who can know such things, how sincere someone is?
They stay away from eachother, she disconnects emotionally whenever she sees him, he talks about her, and wants to talk with her, wonders why she wont talk to him.
He claims she used witchcraft on him, abused him with her graduate of psychology analysis skills.
She says hes a psycho I should stay away from, an expert con artist.
Who woulda though Id have met them seperately?
Its so kooky..I dont know..Theyre both really friendly, way more than is normal. He sems really nervous with his body, like hes weirded out by too many ppl being around him. Shes totally not even concious of how her body is in space, she leans into your space, talks with her hands, stands close to you.
They both have an eye thing. Intense eye contact. Huge eyes that stare into you more than most ppl ive run into. Ill run into both of them.
Hes connected to a street artist Eli ive been drawing around.Its weird, the circles.
I have a phone friendship, strictly on the phone. We usually talk at one or two in the morning, and fall asleep on the phone..Ive been letting him do most of the talking, if i talk he usually falls asleep, like last night.
I really enjoy our conversations, to me its like all social interactions should be..Real, loose, whatevers there. But, I think i need to train him. Listen to me! I feel a little bit disappointed there, used...not fully..just that i need to set something down..
yeah.... I think im mostly a rightbrainer, a quiz told me so..

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

1:05PM


ColorQuiz.com evolve_elf took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..."


Click here to read the rest of the results.


Saturday, June 3, 2006

6:02PM

Rose petals, blowing, innocence pink. soft as bellies.
delicate breath as white....
warm wind its night
im feeling wind in my throat.. it is the night..the twilight..blue sky convince me im in the throes..of something i could one day have the vocabulary to describe.. hands on my thighs, nails. my scraping..of myself.. im here..breathe in, as though i was under water, waves of breath of air,
feed me the nourishing bread, of wide handed, touch, skin warm, im making love plants,
with you..
current runs, circuits theyre sparking, chlorophyll making rounds,veins.. sparkly sounds, eroticism abounds..green beloved coursing blood, cackling in the black night, licking of lipstick lips, shadows cast..inside the green plants, unto into, nooks and crannies of bushes..i cant see for the black night encircling you, i am unknowing of the night breathing beside you, with you.. osmosisfull . slow comfortable breathing, being pulled into an embrace..
i was walking..the chalky crumbling of that sidestreet.. the last street was the wrong street.one street, two streeet, four i wander more.. wine richy sticky chocolate cake inside me from before..
the night train cafe.. i sat on a stool..warm light, warmth imagination, for my cheeks, the candles..
warm light, flicker unto me...
something is passing..from person to person..in this cafe..
a child is waiting to be born in one womans tummy, i know.. a moon faced woman, hippy girl bopping, hopping girl. light is on her face..at play... her smile breaks through, to teeth... gentle skin, seashell tones, cream and rose, the reflecting light..
a girl, nervous, kylie..kylie..kylie.. tunic of prussian blue.. if i touched you, you would recoil in awareness of the space between us.. its okay..
if i touched the dry silk, crunching with wet sweat, would make schrunching noises..
the smell of wet grass, made me want to make someone mine..
i stumble up cedar wood stairs, strong smell of damp wood, earthy..
a wrap around cedar porch, thump thump thump..
warm light floods the room..clean, and white as a hotel..
slipping into white sheets, comfy on my skin..
cuddled comforted, by the beauty my eyes see, i hear, i feel..
this beautiful cedar house..warm coloured wood..the green... and faerie sparkling lights..

i really want to learn how to write so that i can convey, bring others to feeling..it shames what i experience, when i cant bring it to light...
somehow ive gotten depressed and overwhelmed, shut myself in this house internetting..
yesterday i was feeling so empowered, i thought i could change a lifetime of patterns, and i took some steps.. in the realm of being social..i was really strong with others, i didnt bow in timidness around them, not of the passive.
i assumed i had something to offer, the impulse to speak gripped me more often, i didnt shy from the feelings i felt with people, simply observed them..
today i feel drained, like a leak of sadness seeps from a place i cant find..
listening to sad music..
ill have to go walking, and trusting all, and calling people im afraid of calling, and watch this movie called Legend, with pretty little boy Tom Cruise in it...well, enough talking when my words are like air, no nourishment inside them....
the internet isnt good for me at times like these

Sunday, May 14, 2006

12:32AM

i feel like barfing in the form of words..
..
agh.. why are men so fucking horny and stupid ...
whine whine*
i feel like ill never have a proper understanding of men, and a good way to relate to them, that brings good results, friendships or other.. i also want to be able to discern, " the good ones" and the "bad ones", for me.. i think i can say i am never to trust ppl who call me beautiful when im drunk..i just cant...
im not talking to the opposite sex when im drunk..no no no no no no no no no.....
im boycotting the using!
but i like talking to them, their interesting..its interesting to watch them try to hook you..
and their attraction is so out in the open.. its mesmerizing..
i dont want to be afraid of them, and boycott them altogether, just a little discernment please! a little bit of "NO!!!!!" in the picture..
more honesty..
no i dont care that you think im pretty and you have the ability to be aroused..
anyone can do that if they bend their mind..
just no....im a sexual being too, but i can exert that in a good way..
im drawing a boundary around me...a sheild..the only persons allowed in are those genuinely interested, thinking of that besides themselves.. people who gain some use from me, relate to me not like a cheap commodity.. give-receive that is concious, and kind..
no more cheap versions of the wholesome shit i want! no!!
i will be discernful when men hit on me i will be discernfull when men hit on me...yes yes... ill be kind to you even if youre not what is good for me.. ill just hold you at a distance.. ill hold out..ill wait, for as long as it takes..but sometimes these situations are really fun and nourishing, it bugs me i cant know ahead of time.. bah.. im not giving up yet..i will find the answer!

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

10:07PM - my brother...........

has said some things, i dont know to who....
but if you get an email etc saying "fuck you" etc. from me, it wasnt me! i never say fuck you..

Saturday, May 6, 2006

7:18PM

ok thane i fucking hate you. you went out with someone else.so fuck you thane.and i never want to talk to you again.

Monday, May 1, 2006

8:22PM - weekend that was "dopamine with holy shit i dont even know the word"

i had a wonderful friday night, saturday, and sunday..why did that happen for me? i went to a spring festival for spirituality (not the festival's real name) at a place about four hours from here...out in the desert of BC....not that it is a real sand desert. it is very dry and hot. something that marks that area for me is the wild rampant sage, it grows everywhere up there.. here in temperate rainforest land you cant grow sage..
so, what did happen..
i had registered for this festival before march 20th, but was feeling doubtful until the hour i was supposed to leave..i was doubtful as it took $128.00 out of my account that i didnt and still dont feel good about spending, because i need a hair cut, and $200 for the person im living with, and 50 bucks for some other thing i perceive as needing taking care of..

But, was i supposed to get to that there festival?! yeah!... i got a van ride at the last minute, found out i was registered after all, five minutes after i was supposed to leave..and i flew off..with the sun shining in the car..
i was riding with all middle aged women, on the hippyish trail but not full blown hippies..it was more like they were "straight" as i call it, straight jobs, a marriage, inorganic food eating more often than not..straight hair cuts...not that this would define where their mind was at, im trying to generate a picture..i could tell though that this was stuff they had never had long term experience with..they had been sort of at the waters edge of a certin type of information, and had been just sticking their toes in from time to time, for the delight and how it intrigued and captivated them.. they were looking for a place they would be allowed to delve deep, and they and i did...
seeing their transformation and mine was fricken hilarious..ppl can change so phenomenally..ill give you specific examples later...
so, we get there friday evening, i go out into the sage brush hills looking for a place to lay down my sleeping bag for the night.. its beautiful out there...light and dry green with sandy grass on rolling hills with a sunset..im walking down this path, then running down it, injected with katrina power, and i run down to a beach..and theres a house..and some barbed wire..i hop over that,walk around the corner and suddenly im in someones yard(i thought the house was a public bathroom building)so i run outta there.. around to the public beach...theres a couple sitting there with a picnic, making out, and wrapped around eachother..maybe 40-50 years of age...i walk up to them slow, ask something in the way of "do you think its okay that i sleep on the beach?" they both untangle and tell me its tourists season, nobodys down here, etc..they ask about my small town, i tell them... they tell me a good bar to go to on friday nights, inside i laugh.. i am actually the one to leave the conversation, they seem like they had no problems with speaking with me.. no perplexed looks etc.
my reasoning for that is they could have been in love..
so, i wander through the park, and see about three shirtless boys( i call everything from 17 to thirty boys usually)
and what does she do? she walks away from them! if i was twelve i woulda winked or something.. asked about the time..the park..anything..
i need my youthful spontaniety when it comes to opposite sex i dont know..that could be soo fun.. hee hee..
anyway, i wander back,discover my van people will let me stay in their cabin, so i didnt beach sleep...so then, we all go in the great hall, as it was called, and in order to get everyone feeling arrived and familiar with the place some dances of universal peace is done, an arriving ceremony..so we get in the large circleof newly arriven festival participants, and everyone turns to the person next to them and sings "from you i receive, 2 you i give" all the while looking in each others eyes...your looking into these eyes of this stranger, and theres this chorus of voices singing good words... i did that to about to about 50 ppl, and it was just amazing..some ppls eyes i looked into were crying..intense in a good way is what it was.. i never feel that from strangers, love and acceptance, so thats where the "woah" came from..
so i was extremely tripped out after that, in a good way...and i went to the cabin and started drawing..giving and receiving such wholesome good energy like that was just overpowering..
The next morning at 6:45 i did a "accessing your intuitive abilities" visualization with an instructer and that was over powering...i was seeing and feeling too much..too many images all wanting to have my minds attention.. "trip out on me!" and i was hyperventilating slightly..i saw violet light instead of white.. ..but another workshop that stood out for me was a trance one, called "into the heart of self". afterwards colours were totally different, it was just me and my power as a human being, there was nothing else..no habitual thought tapes.. all was anew...and conversations were different..ive felt that before, when i was younger,about 15, but this was more intense...
then, i had a counselling session with an intuitive, and he had some reassuring things to say.. energetically i was high the whole time..what was amazing for me was being able to be my authentic being, not having to hide my love for ppl, or my wanting to be kind, i could express it and they would immediately understand where i was coming from, as they were there as well.
oh and then this tantra workshop..holy..the woman running it was like a mystical compassionate dragon with india infused inside her cells..she was full of so much compassion and yet she wasnt drawn into it..she just saw others pain..i saw some knowledge of death in her too, the sacredity of love, and death..it was just wow..the instructers were just wow...when i think of who was teaching me there...people who spent 30 years doing tantra, thirty years with this spiritual this,40 years teaching that..very advanced..collectively their experience must be be some mind blowing amazement..
because i was so energetically attuned and open, i felt all that from them.. im not in the right mood to articulate the feelings i had perhaps.. when i think of the love i saw in the eyes in the 3 days i want to cry..because im back in the routine of rational mind, where ego has a nice comfy honourary chair, and explanations are neccessary and fear runs rampant.. and so of course im going to feel that attachment...yay!
im going to love everything..im there, im getting there..i have it...and im okay..the way i am...honouring me, as an honourary guest, here.. the power they had, the power i had! i felt devine love makes up this, all this... i felt that...whenever i get anxietic or fearful, im seeing the light when i close my eyes go off.... love runs thru everything, runs thru; breaking every barrier... i felt becoming the ocean, in one workshop.. i didnt have a body anymore! i was the waves rolling onto the shore... i need a spiritual practice says my needing mind..
that power, that acceptance, that recognition of my gifts...i felt at home...naked, to them,..man...im too lazy...to bring myself to making these words ring true..right now!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

9:58PM

i think im just going to go out tonight, try and possibly fail..what am i doing?! wasting wasting..time..again...and again..the same weekend pattern..fuck says i..i got up at ten today, went upstairs, ate hemp waffles at 11:20 or so.. watched ella enchanted with kiddy winks..went down to the library at like 2, in the afternoon..went to the religion/spirituality/psychology section...and nearly cried..this happened to me yesterday too...crying in the library...why did i cry? well, book titles can be so beautiful..especially in that section..the titles say what you want to hear.."compassion in action" etc etc.. it gives me hope..and moves me..yesterday i just wanted to lay myself down in guilt for not reading them..beautiful loving books..my guilt wasnt really for not reading them, but for being human..at closing time yesterday i held the books i wanted to take home and knew i had to come back..even just title looking..man...so i went back, and got a huge pile i could hardly carry and went to a desk. oh but wait, before that i went to the social action section, ecolgyness..and got uplifted.. i forget what the titles were in there but yeah yeah..theres hope said the books.. then i sat down and tryed to read a stephen levine book without my focus trying to wander away, which it does when i read, or sit still (except at a computer)or sit in school.at the second page i cried...damn i need to read more..or do i? what do i need to be doing? why is my life force so far from my mind..why cant i just know, instead of having to digest information..so lazy, to change my minds patterns..so lazy.. my minds on repeat.. unconcious...last night i went out in the mountain storm for a run, on the second block i met a magnificent woman named Naomi...ive had numerous conversations with her, shes worked for my mom...she was travelling in her car,and stopped when she saw me.. and we had a conversation within which we talked of how she thought i was a childlike pixie, i forget what i complimented her on..shes amazing..brilliant, mature, hardworking..assertive..everything im not...and she gave me a feather... then she came up and had sushi with me dad and kiddywinks..she has short red hair, clear perfect skin and big wide blue eyes.. she seems to me to be very disciplined, with a mind for math and science (structeral, analytical mind) with a huge place for the metaphysical in there.. she doesnt have to cut off any faculties..right brain or left..... she invited me to this yoga shakti thing, which bothers me, as she is a very precise person, maybe she was only inviting me so her friend doing it could get some more money..which i dont have much of..im paranoid..shes very confounding.fascinating.would be the word i think...anyway, at the library, who do i see but kevin, kind genuine smiley kevin, he looks out of it..i approach him, nervous, and when we talk he says hes moving to northern Alberta to work, which i could see happening, i had wondered what he was doing for work.. he seemed depressed, drugged.. he wouldnt look me in the eye, which normally he gets high off eye contact.... the energy transmuted.. hes like me, he has wide eyes, is naive, he has the same guilt carrying, idealistic, sensitive, "i cant deal with life" thing goin on...i hope we connect further..whenever i see him, i feel like hes subtly apologizing to me... i try to look at him with all the acceptance i know how to use, eyes of empathy, but i want him to really know that all i want to do is accept him, help him on his trail..it would be so fun to get books from the library and go over to his house, to release all the i have to be good in order for you to like me crap...im tired..i feel like im operating on a really low frequency..worry eats away at me..anxiety..i cant think..i want to be good for this place goddam! who am i apologizing to? all the time..i want to be clear, intentional, awake, forgiving, strong..cleansing..sorrow, guilt, the addiction to sadness and carrying humanities pain runs in my family....ive been taking it on.. i dont know how to stop..i want to cleanse humanity like a river, for we are little containers of water...but i cant be pure..ive got to move on..go deeper..go into this abyss of fear..again..oh theres a hell of a lot more but i dont know how to express! it! and im self pitying too much..again..move! on! now!

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