evolve_elf (evolve_elf) wrote,
evolve_elf
evolve_elf

Today

if i could, i would spend all my time perfecting my lifestyle.
perfecting my wheatgrass (the weather is really hot here, and so its starting to grow yellow,doesnt yeild as much juice)
ive been considering a raw food lifestyle, a homemade clothes lifestyle, a curling up with girls lifestyle, being a more robot like lifestyle.
I need to buy thread today, cheap thread for mucking around on the sewing machine me and my roommate bought together.
he insists i buy cheap thread, and not use the expensive thread he bought (very strong thread. it annoys me that im observing him saving his thread.
For What?
not only is he not going to use it, hes not going to sew high end projects that require strong thread.(notice how i just predicted his actions, im puzzled with myself)
normally i would give people the benefit of the doubt, and know that ultimately i cant know this person inside and out.
and i would say, its not about him, its about me.
but im just pissy.
ive had enough.
i cant get home from work to a living room that looks worse than a pig sty.
be annoyed with a roommate that distracts from aggravating issues at hand with intellectual twisting storylines, irrelevant. hurting almost with their irrelevance, like a slug in the chest. giving me the knowledge that he'll never change.
the house will stay a litter of wires, with him denying it.
a nice little present i dont want to accept.
i find him to be hypocritical, anxiety producing, and judgemental of me.
i feel like ihe wants to step on every idea i have for our household.
i moved in with him,expecting a mutual desire for growing a health inducing affection nest.
yes, nest.
i do want to be affectionate with him, even though im not with him.

why do i want that?
hes the most prickly person i know, and i think he would refuse my affection more than less.
i think he senses this is my way of patching up the fact that we have a shitty relationship, gliding over it with fake niceties so to speak.i would rather that than now, thats for sure.
i think it would progress us further, if we were both willing to be polite, talk about sticky issues with integrity.hes hot to trot to perform for the other person and please them when hes motivated. i think thats where my hope comes from.
why isnt he trying to please me? trying to make it work with me?
why isnt he summoning hope, courage?
he makes it out like the right person in his life will summon his accountability.
okay so wow.
all cleared up!
im moving out september first, or sooner if he can find a roommate. a woman has shown interest in being his roommate, she wants to move in aug. first, or aug. 31st. im not sure. the only hitch would be me finding a place. but a place may come up. a bachelor lives farther way than i would like, but it sounds uindistracting and quiet.
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