evolve_elf (evolve_elf) wrote,

weekend that was "dopamine with holy shit i dont even know the word"

i had a wonderful friday night, saturday, and sunday..why did that happen for me? i went to a spring festival for spirituality (not the festival's real name) at a place about four hours from here...out in the desert of BC....not that it is a real sand desert. it is very dry and hot. something that marks that area for me is the wild rampant sage, it grows everywhere up there.. here in temperate rainforest land you cant grow sage..
so, what did happen..
i had registered for this festival before march 20th, but was feeling doubtful until the hour i was supposed to leave..i was doubtful as it took $128.00 out of my account that i didnt and still dont feel good about spending, because i need a hair cut, and $200 for the person im living with, and 50 bucks for some other thing i perceive as needing taking care of..

But, was i supposed to get to that there festival?! yeah!... i got a van ride at the last minute, found out i was registered after all, five minutes after i was supposed to leave..and i flew off..with the sun shining in the car..
i was riding with all middle aged women, on the hippyish trail but not full blown hippies..it was more like they were "straight" as i call it, straight jobs, a marriage, inorganic food eating more often than not..straight hair cuts...not that this would define where their mind was at, im trying to generate a picture..i could tell though that this was stuff they had never had long term experience with..they had been sort of at the waters edge of a certin type of information, and had been just sticking their toes in from time to time, for the delight and how it intrigued and captivated them.. they were looking for a place they would be allowed to delve deep, and they and i did...
seeing their transformation and mine was fricken hilarious..ppl can change so phenomenally..ill give you specific examples later...
so, we get there friday evening, i go out into the sage brush hills looking for a place to lay down my sleeping bag for the night.. its beautiful out there...light and dry green with sandy grass on rolling hills with a sunset..im walking down this path, then running down it, injected with katrina power, and i run down to a beach..and theres a house..and some barbed wire..i hop over that,walk around the corner and suddenly im in someones yard(i thought the house was a public bathroom building)so i run outta there.. around to the public beach...theres a couple sitting there with a picnic, making out, and wrapped around eachother..maybe 40-50 years of age...i walk up to them slow, ask something in the way of "do you think its okay that i sleep on the beach?" they both untangle and tell me its tourists season, nobodys down here, etc..they ask about my small town, i tell them... they tell me a good bar to go to on friday nights, inside i laugh.. i am actually the one to leave the conversation, they seem like they had no problems with speaking with me.. no perplexed looks etc.
my reasoning for that is they could have been in love..
so, i wander through the park, and see about three shirtless boys( i call everything from 17 to thirty boys usually)
and what does she do? she walks away from them! if i was twelve i woulda winked or something.. asked about the time..the park..anything..
i need my youthful spontaniety when it comes to opposite sex i dont know..that could be soo fun.. hee hee..
anyway, i wander back,discover my van people will let me stay in their cabin, so i didnt beach sleep...so then, we all go in the great hall, as it was called, and in order to get everyone feeling arrived and familiar with the place some dances of universal peace is done, an arriving ceremony..so we get in the large circleof newly arriven festival participants, and everyone turns to the person next to them and sings "from you i receive, 2 you i give" all the while looking in each others eyes...your looking into these eyes of this stranger, and theres this chorus of voices singing good words... i did that to about to about 50 ppl, and it was just amazing..some ppls eyes i looked into were crying..intense in a good way is what it was.. i never feel that from strangers, love and acceptance, so thats where the "woah" came from..
so i was extremely tripped out after that, in a good way...and i went to the cabin and started drawing..giving and receiving such wholesome good energy like that was just overpowering..
The next morning at 6:45 i did a "accessing your intuitive abilities" visualization with an instructer and that was over powering...i was seeing and feeling too much..too many images all wanting to have my minds attention.. "trip out on me!" and i was hyperventilating slightly..i saw violet light instead of white.. ..but another workshop that stood out for me was a trance one, called "into the heart of self". afterwards colours were totally different, it was just me and my power as a human being, there was nothing else..no habitual thought tapes.. all was anew...and conversations were different..ive felt that before, when i was younger,about 15, but this was more intense...
then, i had a counselling session with an intuitive, and he had some reassuring things to say.. energetically i was high the whole time..what was amazing for me was being able to be my authentic being, not having to hide my love for ppl, or my wanting to be kind, i could express it and they would immediately understand where i was coming from, as they were there as well.
oh and then this tantra workshop..holy..the woman running it was like a mystical compassionate dragon with india infused inside her cells..she was full of so much compassion and yet she wasnt drawn into it..she just saw others pain..i saw some knowledge of death in her too, the sacredity of love, and death..it was just wow..the instructers were just wow...when i think of who was teaching me there...people who spent 30 years doing tantra, thirty years with this spiritual this,40 years teaching that..very advanced..collectively their experience must be be some mind blowing amazement..
because i was so energetically attuned and open, i felt all that from them.. im not in the right mood to articulate the feelings i had perhaps.. when i think of the love i saw in the eyes in the 3 days i want to cry..because im back in the routine of rational mind, where ego has a nice comfy honourary chair, and explanations are neccessary and fear runs rampant.. and so of course im going to feel that attachment...yay!
im going to love everything..im there, im getting there..i have it...and im okay..the way i am...honouring me, as an honourary guest, here.. the power they had, the power i had! i felt devine love makes up this, all this... i felt that...whenever i get anxietic or fearful, im seeing the light when i close my eyes go off.... love runs thru everything, runs thru; breaking every barrier... i felt becoming the ocean, in one workshop.. i didnt have a body anymore! i was the waves rolling onto the shore... i need a spiritual practice says my needing mind..
that power, that acceptance, that recognition of my gifts...i felt at home...naked, to them,..man...im too lazy...to bring myself to making these words ring true..right now!
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